Mr. GUY's l i v e J ournal

 I had a very interesting event today.  A homeless man asked me today if I had 25 cents.  For once I actually had cash, so I gave him a dollar.  Then he asked do I have a minute, I thought for a split second and said ya, even though I was going to meet up with someone.  He asked me what major I was, I told him child development, asked me if I knew anything about psychology, I said a little.  He goes and talks a bit, he was a bit drunk I am sure, since i smelled the alcohol from his breathe.  I think he had four kids and for whatever reason there was a divorce I assume and the kids were taken from him.  He goes on and asked if I was a christian, I said I was.  And he continues to talk about his life.  About God and the world and society.  He talked about how everything is messed up these days and he even mention the end times, how he wished Jesus would come back soon.  Talked about how tired he was, physically, yes but also spiritually.  I feel he has amazing faith to continue believing and pressing in.  He is messed up and screwed up as he said it but he admits that and realize he is a sinner and accepts Christ.  He mentioned Eph. 6:12 talked about the armor of God as well.  Saying how he has been beat down so many times, but he gets right back up.  He said his armor is all banged up and has a lot dents.  He even ask God for a new armor but he said God told him no, keep with it, he will count all those dents on the judgment day.

He says that ya the world has beat him to the ground, but he still keeps going on, he keeps getting back up.  He even said ya I got it bad but Jesus had worst.  It was truly an amazing experience for me.

He also mentioned about caring for people, that the people today are so hooked on drugs, he went and listed a bunch of anti depressants and how it is screwing people up.  How people do not need those drugs but they just need someone who cares about them, to talk to them.

I spent about 20-30 minutes with him.  I prayed with him, he prayed for himself.  He said something like how he doesnt even know why he is feeling the way he does(he was crying a bit) and it was a deep moment for him, I can sense...

last thing he did was sing for me. A song by don francisco, not sure what the song name was though. oh ya for more than half the time he held my hand, firm.

OH YA also in the beginning he was like can I have your hand and he held it and he said I am giving something to you, you may not know it but i am.

I can sense he just needed someone, and before we parted ways, he said can I have a hug? i said of course.  He gave me a big hug, all smelly and dirty but it was good.  I dont care, I can shower but he doesnt get a hug that often.

which leads me to reflection. PEOPLE NEED LOVE, PEOPLE WANT ATTENTION. Stop sometime in your busy day, and care for someone else, it doesnt have to be a homeless person.  As the homeless man(christopher), and I were talking he called out a few people that were walking by, well at times yelled... but no one stopped or cared, he yelled out even i need help, no one stopped.  and I was like wow do people really not care these days? or do we only care about people that makes us look good?

In the end of this, i just feel a call to be more selfless, to stop thinking about myself or what can this action benefit me in some way.  ANd just DO SOMETHING for others, for the sake of making their day.  

that is all, this post was everywhere, I didnt have time to formulate everything in order, dont got the time. peace.

EDIT: Oh ya he also said that to get rid of his frustration and anger, walked. He told me that even today he walked from daily city all the way down to san jose.  He said, he has been in oregon, idaho. just felt like I needed to make a note of that.

It is kind of sad to see so many people that bought are going to buy the mac book pro...but really not going to use it's full potential...all they do...is...watch youtube and take notes...sigh...

macbook pro...you will be mine...in April...

while we are on the topic of expensive... a possible new investment of mine would be a HD camcorder...which would cost me about 600-700 dollars... (:

possibly...Canon HF20

I remember last year...I had the notion to swap my sleeping pattern...sleep in the day, work at night.  Reasons for this was, I GET STUFF DONE at night...when its 1am, 2am...NO ONE IS ONLINE for me to chat to or get distracted by...expect for the occasionally one or two abnormal people.. :-P

But ya. I realize I was much more productive.  Like for the past 2 hours I actually got to get stuff done(totally non academic related) that I've been meaning to do for the past 2 weeks.  I feel so accomplished.  But i decided against the idea because even if I did pull it off during the weekdays, I could not do it for the weekends and if I tried to switch between the two on fridays and sundays...I would probably...it just wouldnt work.  So though it would of been a great idea and I would get tons of work done...it was not possible. bummer.

on another note, Ive been having a hard time getting up recently...I realize i have these seasons where I can sleep and get up at a decent hour..or average(slightly above actually) hours.  But then a few time in the year that last anywhere from 1-2 weeks where I get like 11-12 hours of sleep  and no alarm clock has the power to wake me up.  and well...it seems that I have fallen into this season again...last night I slept for 11 hours...I slept like at 11-12...and intended to wake up 8am(before time change) but I woke up at 10(after time change) so i woke up 2-3 hours later than I wanted to(daylight saving times really does not make much sense to me and I don't feel like spending mind power to understand it).  arrived at church groggy and almost late for service and I had to set up camera and do audio...ridiculous.

anywho...i probably should get to bed...or I might just wake up at 12pm tomorrow...

"If you are serious about reforming your prayer life, you must begin with your heart.  Unconfessed sin, nurtured sin, will always be a barrier between God and those he has made in his image." D.A. Carson

This was a point I forget to mention in my previous post, I read this last night,  after Uncle David's sermon on the hidden sin. actually its not another point...it just reinforces it.

I guess if we ever want to be effective in our prayers, and I hope that this would be the majority of the christian population if not all...this is a major point. Matt 6:14-15 and Mark 11:25. 
“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. ¹⁵ But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." 
“And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses."

This is the common reason for prayer to be ineffective, not forgiving. but I am not going to focus on this part, I point this out to just reference that in midst of what I am going to talk that unforgiveness is something to be kept in mind.

In short, very very short...there are two kind of prayers, prayer for yourself and prayer for other.  Praying for yourself that you align yourself with God's will, self edification, self growth(‘Father, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Give us each day our daily bread..lead us away from temptation)  and intercession, praying for others and helping others grow (and forgive us our sins, for we ourselves forgive every one who is indebted to us).

Like I mentioned in the first quote. "...you must begin with your heart." Like also mentioned in Jesus' teaching of how to pray, First Acknowledging who God is. Holy is He, Let HIS will be done, allow God to work in your life to cleanse you of your sin.  But you see what I am learning still, because I havent changed from this yet.  Is that even when we have this position of letting God work...we do not in turn give Him our best.  Yes, we realize we need to submit to God's will, Yes, we confess our sins to God and our fellow brothers and sisters. Yes, read the bible and pray.  But a theme that resonates throughout scripture old and new testaments, from Isaiah to Malachi from the pharisee and to the rich young ruler.  We offer God worthless sacrifices and offerings.  We give God, if even, the second bes; the left over time, the meaningless worship.  Read Isaiah 1, read all of Malachi.  yes, yes, yes who can be perfect? no one.  but that doesn't change what we give God, that is totally up to us.  We are sinful because of the flesh, we sin, yes.  But when we turn to God and we say 'I repent', when we sing 'And I, I surrender all to you, all to you', we sing it out of religious...nyeah.  Its the what we offer up back to God after we sin because of grace that counts and instead of our best  we give the  Half-hearted religion and second best attitude and that sin cuts us off from effective praying and even more a close relationship with God. And this is not impossible.  Not because with God all things is possible, which is true, very true. But we use that phrase so casually nowadays. You can tell when someone gives their best to God, you can tell by they way they act, the way they align the majority of their activities, again we cannot be perfect but some people got it right and what do you see to prove it? their fruits.  We can't be perfect but we can make it a majority rather than the minority.  We can make the majority of our daily activities line up to God's will and give him our best rather than doing what we want and saving God for when it is most convenient for us.

and I have to say that the majority of the things I do for God is not for God.  It is this half-hearted religious spirit, my worship is not true, I read the bible not because I want to know God more.  

I come before God in repentance saying I am sorry, even with tears in my eyes yet sin abounds in my life and I think I am all good.  This is where my previous post comes in.  When I think I am all good. everything is good, under the hood. when in reality, it is wreck.  To act and pretend, like I am all holy cause I want to memorize romans 8 to think I am all on fire for God cause I go to forerunner, which is in association with a radical prayer movement in kansas city where they pray 24/7.  This is how I think of myself.  And I cannot even wake up 30 minutes earlier to give God my morning and pray that this day is his. I would rather sit around chatting and going on the internet all afternoon rather than glorify him through reading his word and praying. 

I cannot offer my best to God in all aspects of my life.  In education, I do not glorify Him by skipping class, hanging out instead of studying, looking for friends to hang out with instead of resting.  In family, I do not obey my parents, I do not submit to their will.  Among my friends, I am not a light in the darkness.  In everything, I do not give my best efforts for God, its as if I do not think it is worth it or is of importance.  And once again not like I can be perfect in all aspects of my life but I am not even taking action towards changing some of these things. 

For me, maybe, hopefully for you, it is these moments that we need, these moments where we honestly and humbly examine our own hearts.   To look beyond of actions and look at our intent, to look at what we are doing and compare it to what we can do.  To compare our excitement of hanging out with the excitement of reading the Word.  It is always important to have these moments to step back and look at where our heart is but even more so when we are going before God and praying for ourselves.  Our intent for our prayers.  It is ever so important to examine ourselves before we go before the throne of God full of grace, in all his holiness and blamelessness.

I do not know how to give God my best, since all of my life, everything I do I give my second best unless its my own desires and laziness.


This is a very dense passage...If i was to go over everything it would probably take up as much space as this post has thus far...so I won't...cause I dont even know where to begin...this passage as is all of romans... very deep...

first part is context....cause I did not want to just pull out a verse that just so suits the situation...

" And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting; ²⁹ being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality,^[c] wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness; they are whisperers, ³⁰ backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, ³¹ undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving,^[d] unmerciful; ³² who, knowing the righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them."



Therefore you are inexcusable, O man, whoever you are who judge, for in whatever you judge another you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things. ² But we know that the judgment of God is according to truth against those who practice such things. ³ And do you think this, O man, you who judge those practicing such things, and doing the same, that you will escape the judgment of God? ⁴ Or do you despise the riches of His goodness, forbearance, and longsuffering, not knowing that the goodness of God leads you to repentance? ⁵ But in accordance with your hardness and your impenitent heart you are treasuring up for yourself wrath in the day of wrath and revelation of the righteous judgment of God, ⁶ who “will render to each one according to his deeds”:^{[e] 7} eternal life to those who by patient continuance in doing good seek for glory, honor, and immortality; ⁸ but to those who are self-seeking and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness—indignation and wrath, ⁹ tribulation and anguish, on every soul of man who does evil


I feel this is the right note to end my post.  That we realize once again the grace of God. 

actually i find this passage a better way to end my post...not to compare myself to Paul for even Paul does not attribute his works to a mere man.  and once again I am going to post the WHOLE thing because of the context and especially this verse i feel we throw out so often out of context.

"I must go on boasting. Although there is nothing to be gained, I will go on to visions and revelations from the Lord. ²I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven. Whether it was in the body or out of the body I do not know—God knows. ³And I know that this man—whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know, but God knows— ⁴was caught up to paradise. He heard inexpressible things, things that man is not permitted to tell. ⁵I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. ⁶Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say.

 ⁷To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. ¹⁰That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I found that this was the best way to end because this is where I go from here.  To know that in these weaknesses of mine Christ's power will rest on me.  That in my weakness, God's presence is acknowledged, so that people can see that nothing I do can come from me and I cannot accomplish the things I do by myself, but it is through Christ provision.  That Christ alone is given the credit.

amen and amen.

talk about preaching to yo-self.  "If the message is going to change anyone, it better be yourself first" - jesse huro

 

I've noticed through experience these never really work out well...and i believe I have mentioned this all the other times I made serious posts midday...

haha...and now I have stared at this screen for 2 minutes and have no idea how to start this post...

perhaps I should just jump right in.  

actually I think the best way is to start off with the passage.

1 John 1:5-10

This is the message which we have heard from Him and declare to you, that God is light and in Him is no darkness at all. ⁶ If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. ⁷ But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.
⁸ If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. ⁹ If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. ¹⁰ If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us.

In short, this is what Uncle David preached on on sunday.  If we say that we have no sin we one deceive ourselves and two we make Him, Christ, a liar.  The point I feel is largely not the fact that we do not sin because who can say that they haven't?  If you are a christian at some point of time realized that you are a sinner and repented..  But rather to what verse 5-7 talks about, we do not walk in the light, we do not bring our sins into the light.  We realize we are a sinner and for whatever reason, most likely shame and guilt, we want to keep it to ourselves.  We feel we are too messed up or even worst our sins are not that bad and really do not need to be addressed.  WHATEVER the reason, we keep parts of our lives hidden, tucked away, we lock it up in a box and store it deep, deep within our hearts and do not let anyone touch it.  when we do talk to people about our struggles and sins we talk about the other sins and problems but we keep that something always hidden.  And this act really destroys the ability to have intimacy, specifically with Jesus.  and depending on what you keep locked up intimacy in other areas of your life, whether its with friends, parents or significant other.

You know whats crazy is that we really do not know how to describe God, I have mentioned this before...I think.... we say God is this and that or He is like this or that, and that is good...in that it might help you understand different aspects of God but often when we do say God is this or that we downgrade him to our idea of who God is...and that just aint right.  It says in this verse that God is light and in Him there is no darkness.  which is very true but you remember when it says that God clothes himself in light?  That God himself is not only light but that is just the outside of Him, light is not even part of who He is, it is just to clothe Him so that we dont go blind due to overexposure to pure awesomness and attrativeness(I had to).  When we think of light, lets use the brightest thing we know, the sun, and we try and stare at it...we hope that it would be a cloudy day near sunset and squinting to the max because the sun is just that bright if was on a full blown hot sunny summer day we cannot stare at the sun without damaging our eyes. so this is that the bible is saying God uses to clothe Himself, His glory and His presence is so strong that He uses light to surround Himself.

It is crazy to have the thought that "But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin. " First that we as humans with sin is able to even come before this God in this light, Furthermore, we can walk in this light, we can be in fellowship with other sinners, AND be cleansed.  It blows my mind that we CAN in light AS(notice as) God is in the light, not to be differentiated as a different light.  God is not saying He is the sun and we are just a 60W lamp but we can walk in the SAME light that he walks.  And IF we do this we can we,the communion of saints, can walk in the light as He is in the light, cleansed, unashamed, with nothing to hide, with no shame, no guilt.  AND THIS  is the TRUTH.  because if it wasnt we would be walking in darkness(v. 6), so the truth is the fact that we can walk in the light, as He is in the light and when we do, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Christ cleanses us of ALL sin.

So then.  It comes down to this verse. verse 9, If we confess our sins, "He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.".  It comes down to what i wrote about about a year? ago.  to not be spiritual sick, thinking everything is okay.  But realize we sin constantly, everyday, this should no make us sad or emo.  cant believe I am bringing this up...the first pillar of calvinism. Total depravity, we are sinners completely lost.  This followed by grace. and it is because  he is FAITHFUL AND JUST to forgive us, He is able to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

It is in these moments where I feel I am able to truly praise God from my heart not because of routine but because I realize where I was, how I was, lost in sin.  Where I am now, vindicated, but still in the world where we are not completely restored. to where I will be, the new Heaven and new earth, Where I will be in presence of God forever, in our glorified body, enjoying God increasingly forever and ever, praising Him forever and ever because He is worthy and he deserves it all...



(: I like how I always talk about the same stuff.  It makes me happy that i can be captivated by the same message or idea or thought again and again.  You know you have found the source or the truth when the truth does not fad or grow dim.  When the truth is fresh and active each time you hear it, that it affects your life each time you hear it.

“ Remember this, and show yourselves men;
      Recall to mind, O you transgressors.
       ⁹ Remember the former things of old,
      For I am God, and there is no other; <--- note this is NO other, not others have no power, but there ARE NO others.
      I am God, and there is none like Me,
       ¹⁰ Declaring the end from the beginning,
      And from ancient times things that are not yet done,
      Saying, ‘My counsel shall stand,
      And I will do all My pleasure,’
Isaiah 46:8-10

This is our God.

So as I was driving back from davis and I got tired of listening to music...I decided to pray.  it was good times.  and after much prayer I started praising.  Praising God and for who He is and what He has done.  And all of a sudden I wanted to listen to music again so I turned on my music and I listen to a few casting crown songs.

"Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're "

And I listen to a few more songs and I missed some old songs...well not old...but more like popular songs such as. God of wonder, How great is our God and holy is the lord.  songs that I've listen to a lot in the past but now it's one of those songs that you say oh that song...and you slip into this mode of singing and not praising.  Then I was like wow...how many times do I sing songs just because I know the words or just because they sound cool.  Even just this past sunday night during a praise night...I was singing a song, an older song, and I was getting into it, jumping and singing but...i realize I was not praising God. 

And tonight as I was driving I was reminded of how I use to worship.  during a song or two, I did not even sing.  I was just praying, giving thanks, just being real.   And i remember how great that was, how I loved it.  And i realize that how great these songs are that I just over look or don't want to sing anymore cause its old. 

God of Wonders   wow to just declare that our God is a God beyond our galaxy.  The universe declares your majesty.  Wow.  The SPLENDOR of  the king, CLOTHED in Majesty, let ALL the earth rejoice. NAME ABOVE ALL NAMES, WORTHY of all praise.

These lyrics that I just sing because I know the words or get tired of because I've sang it so many times are SOO DEEP and POWERFUL.

And also I was just reminded of what Dan spoke this sunday.  How worship during the first century church is very different than now.  How things change, ideas of God and theology changes(not to say that we are changing God or that theology is not legit but the idea of who God was during the crusades is different that what they are a hundred years ago and different from how it is now.) , worship changes.  But THE WORD OF GOD NEVER changes.

And at this point I just prayed that I would fall in love with the Word of God again and again.  I prayed that it would be the foundation of my life, that I would not hold true to anything but the Word of God.  Sermons are great and songs are touching but make sure that all that is rooted deep in the word of God that the song or speaker is not twisting the Word or using it out of context.  Don't just take the word of your favorite pastor as true and final.  Study the word of God, ask how he made the connections that he did, if it dont make sense.  With the upmost respect I say this....SO often I feel a pastor just throws out a great verse to just back up his point but if you read the whole chapter or the whole book, that was not his intent.  whats worst is when a pastor paraphrase a passage of the bible incorrectly to fit into his message and when you read the actual scripture that is totally not what it means.

I am not trying to put down pastors for what they do, cause I sure can't do what they do.  And not to judge them but I feel a deep need to think for ourselves and stop just opening our mouths and being fed without knowing what  is coming in.  It can lead us to a very dangerous place.

so today was good. hang out all day and then get revelation at night. nice.

hmm been in this rocky mode for a week... there something about the character of Rocky that is just very inspiring.

 I found a lot of things said in the last Rocky movie was quite deep and has just kept me thinking.  I don't know what it is but people like cheering for the underdog, something about fighting for what you believe in that just captivates hearts.


"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!" - rocky balboa

I think the one point that keeps sticking out to me...is "But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers..."
 

Got to stop blaming others for where we are at, got to be willing to take the blame, shame and guilt of situations.

Not much more to say about this....the quote is good enough by itself.
 

"You make all things, work together for my good"

It is so reassuring to listen to those words.  Is it not this exact point that separates us from the world?  The fact that despite what we go through we know that it is all good in the end?  The fact that God works for us not against us?  As I was listening to this song's bridge and listening him sing the chorus again and again. You make all things, work together for my good.  I felt God was just telling me again and again, greater things, better things are to come.  I feel the things that I am experiencing now, is working with God's plan for something crazy later in my life.  I know this because it is such a big thing...(and the reason I am not being specific...is because it really is big and it encompasses many if not all of my life...from school, to family, to friends, to everyyything.) yes this big thing and all the small things in between  that I am going through is working out in a way where it will glorify God the most.

and the chrous
"You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night
But joy comes in the morning
And when the oceans rage
I don’t have to be afraid
Because I know that you love me
And your love never fails"

Just reminds me of the fact that our God is I AM. He is. He was what He was. He is what He is and He will be who He will be.  He DOES NOT CHANGE.  He is not the God where there will be no other Gods before Him.  HE IS THE GOD and there will be NO other gods period. but Him alone. wow.  I think I have downsized God so much through the years and even recently.  I think i have boxed him in to what i think he is or what he is able to do and circumstances just jbklgafjg;klasgdjl everything.  I have not stopped and just think, God is I AM.  He is everything.  The God in the hebrew scripture owned everything. God had full power and authority, there was no one, no thing that can rival Him.  He control all angel, all of earth, all of the demons.  Not saying he doesn't now but the new testaments write things in a different context...we can talk about it some other time.  and there was true fear of the Lord, and the people were being taught to have complete faith in God, to have faith and rely on God.  Jacob, after He wrestles with the spirit/God(whoever), he gets renamed as Israel which means something along the lines of May God preserve, He strives with God. Why? because the nation, the hebrews HAS to have God with them, or they will not be able to stand against the enemies.  Why does God choose theses weak people? TO make a point that HE IS GOD. and that not only is it HE who makes everything work, but also without Him they are nothing.

I can't speak for others, but I FEEL I have truly forgotten or has been sold to the watered down  western church's idea of God.

and when I listen to THIS song.  I just feel a need to worship and give all honor and glory to God.  For who He is, Who He was, Who He will be.


We have constrain God to be so NYAHHH. this box. I pray, God blesses. I fast, God rewards. arghhh.  I want to go back to what Paul constantly gives thanks to.  Grace. gift of faith.  Gifts that God gives out because of HIS WILL not because of our demands. Everything is God's and gives and takes away as He wills and He has all the right to do so.  And i think we need to always and constantly turn to God with nothing but Thanksgiving and praises.  Because we know how bad we are truly inside but we have been set free and saved. By Grace.  By the blood of Christ, we are spared. -- I think God foreshadows so much throughout the OT its not even funny...but thats another post for some other time-- 

wow.

amazing grace how sweet the sound.  i wonder why the person choose the word sound for that lyric. hmm...i guess grace is something we hear? no... its more like something we feel? right? i dont know...thinking while typing...

anyways.

point. not going to give you my usual summed up version that ends up being another paragraph. point? read above. read the bible.

Hmmm.  It has been a rough week or two...well maybe even three now...  With so many things happening with school, clubs, fellowship, church and family.  It has been hard to balance each one in a way where I do not make SOMEONE unhappy or sad or what not.  I am sure it will be the say for at least the rest of this semester.  It is not possible for a person, ME, to satisfy everyone's need.  Not to sound like I am the greatest and everyone wants a part of me.  No its more like if I actually did what I am suppose to do in each situation people might not demand as much from me because I would be actually DOING what i am suppose to do.  This maybe a little hard for you to understand...so example.  If I was a better(by better I mean not not good, but if I was more real or actually but my heart into it) son and the time I spend with my family was actually QUALITY time, my parents would not be so mad at me all the time.  If I actually genuinely cared about the time I have with my mom, dad, sister and grandma, my mom would not be yelling at me that I am always out and not caring about the family and such and such.  You see, its not that I do not spend time with them, I do.  But when I am home all I do is do my own thing, I go on my laptop, I play on my itouch, i sleep, pretty much anything BUT hanging out with my family.  Same with other aspects of life.  With fellowships, If i didn't go to just hangout and actually cared about fellowship and relationships and building strong ones, maybe i would not feel like I am not accomplishing anything.  At school...IF I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION i would not in need of catching up, staying up late, cramming, etc etc etc and spending EVEN MORE TIME trying to catch up if I did a better job when I am actually in class and the teacher was talking about what I needed to know to begin with.

So.  it seems that my life and my so called "lack of time management" is not really that I am not managing my time well per se, its more like I am managing my time well, but i am not using the time I am given within the time I plan to do actually accomplish what  I should...wow that was a confusing sentence...well that is just something I realized as I am typing this post.  I was originally just going to complain about how tired and busy I am.

As I was going through these past few weeks, I also have degraded the time I spent with God quite a bit.  whether it was from lack of motivation or that I just slowly decided to wake up later and later, or the fact that i was procrastinating until the last minute and decided to sacrifice God time to do homework.  And I am quite sadden by this.  How I really desire God but not making that desire a priority.  I think this is true for many people.  We really do desire God, we do enjoy reading the bible when we actually do it and it IS important to us...BUT when another desire surfaces, i much rather do that than what I originally planned.  So what I see in my life is that its not that I do not desire God in the pool of desires,  its that i do not filter all my other desires and having God being on the top and being my priority.  So I am thinking it really is not that I do not hunger and thirst for God...although one may argue "well your not hungering and desiring God ENOUGH",  I do.  But it is the fact that God alone is not where I get my sustinance. I do not say no to other desires but I just take whatever comes up first, and if God so happens to be what comes along and I want to eat, then I get Him in my system.  So i feel that its not that I am not hungering after God, but it is that He is not my all, my everything, the first on my mind, the one i rely on to keep me going.  I run and am kept going by other things.

So I feel the next season of my life is a season of discipline and fasting.  I know it says in the bible oh you shouldn't tell everyone you are fasting.  I am not saying I am all holy blah blah blah.  I am making a point that I am so distracted and drawn and desire the things of this world, I NEED to fast so that I may declare that God is the one I rely on.  and dude. some say fasting is easy...some say its hard.  I can almost say it is impossible. haha... It is. SO HARD, for me, and I fail SO MANY TIMES, it is very discouraging.   I have known that I should fast in the past to address this exact issue I am talking about...but...i try...and fail...and I give up.  I am sure God honors my tries...but at the same time he is waiting for the day when I say "You alone oh God do I rely on"

So as I have learned in the past 3 weeks the importance of pressing through the dry and hard. i will press on and and press into God, waiting for His revelation and breakthrough in my life. amen and amen.

Romans 13:12-14

"Therefore let us cast off works of darkness, and let us put on the armor of light.  Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy.  But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts."

Provision:
Strong's #4307
Foreplanning, foresight, forethought, premeditated plan, making preparation for, providing for.


Do not even allow these thoughts to arise, don't even delight yourselves in the thoughts of satisfying your fleshly desires.  Make no provision for the flesh and our evil desires.